Ex Takes Up Residence in Couple's Driveway - Dear Abby (2024)

The van is now fixed. Paul lost his job and is now living in the van -- in my driveway. The problem is, he doesn't stay in the van. He crashes on my couch, uses my electricity, water, etc., and now eats my food. I told my husband this is not healthy for my mental well-being.

My husband and I own our own business, and Paul has now become involved in that, too. My husband says he can use the help and it gives Paul money to move. The only problem with that is my ex doesn't use the money for bills -- he blows it on junk he doesn't need. I'm tired of raising a 41-year-old grown man. Help! -- FED UP IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR FED UP: You are not a second-class citizen. This arrangement seems crazy. Because it is interfering with your marriage, tell your husband the situation is affecting your mental health and insist upon a deadline by which Paul will be out of there. Guests, like fish, start to stink after three days, and Paul has exceeded that by far. He has a van, so whether or not he has saved enough for a place of his own, he won't be without shelter. Your mental health is more important than your husband having an extra hand in the business.

DEAR ABBY: I have several creative friends who have either written a book or made a music CD. I get asked to read or listen to these creations and submit an online review. The book was written about a very rough divorce, and my "friend" described her ex using some gossipy (and awful) information that I knew was not true. She placed all the blame on her ex, when it was she who committed adultery (a fact she conveniently left out of the book). The music CD was not to my liking either -- my friend cannot sing.

How do I handle these review requests? So far, I have simply not submitted a review because I'm not going to lie or give a bad one. But what do I say when they ask? -- CRITICAL CRITIC

DEAR CRITIC: Tell your author friend that while she may be a talented writer, you are not comfortable endorsing her book because it is being used as a weapon to make her ex-husband look bad. Point out that if her book succeeds, he could retaliate by suing her for libel, and you want no part of it. As to your musician friend, all you need to say about the CD is that "it is clear the singer has music in their soul."

In the future when you are asked to write a review, decline by stating that because you are a friend, you cannot give an unbiased review. Period.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my oldest and dearest friend (since kindergarten) talked about renting a house in Puerto Rico for her family and mine. We talk often and have remained close over the years. I consider her family a part of my family.

She recently informed me that she went ahead and booked the trip with her sister-in-law, her nephews and her parents without saying a word to me about it. I was extremely hurt, and when I told her so, her answer was, "Well, I didn't make the arrangements; my sister-in-law did. There will be small children, and I know you don't want to do that." (I had told her previously that when my husband and I go on vacation, we prefer adult-only resorts.) I'm disappointed and angry. Should I end our friendship, or just let it go? -- EXCLUDED IN NEW YORK

DEAR EXCLUDED: If this is the first time something like this has happened, let it go. If it continues to happen, and I doubt it will, reevaluate the friendship then.

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away seven years ago. My oldest son, "Danny," is 29 and is getting married. He has one brother, "Adam," who is 19, and they have always gotten along. I'm really upset that Adam wasn't asked to be in the wedding party, at least as a groomsman.

I'm sure my husband, if he were alive, would have had a talk with Danny about this -- especially because ALL FOUR of my husband's brothers were in our wedding party as well as his best friend. I'm upset that I have to bring it to Danny's attention, but I need to address this without making him mad. What's your opinion? -- MATTER OF SCRUPLES

DEAR MATTER: Scruples may have less to do with this than budget restrictions or Adam's young age may have. By all means, mention this to Danny but, after that, refrain from meddling. Your wedding was yours; this one is Danny's and his fiancee's.

DEAR ABBY: My son (my only child) lives with his fiancee. His marriage, which produced my oldest grandson, has finally ended. He has two boys with the fiancee. She and I have never seen eye-to-eye. When my son and I argue, she prevents me from seeing my grandsons. It makes it very difficult for me to bond with them, for fear she will keep them away forever. What should I do? I'm actually holding back my emotions because I'm scared. -- ON EGGSHELLS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ON EGGSHELLS: If you and your son have a functional relationship (aside from the occasional disagreement), take this up with him, and be frank about it. His fiancee should not use the children to punish you. However, if your son won't put a stop to what she's doing, then it makes sense to protect your emotions -- and to not feel guilty about doing it. If that means guarding them where your son's children are concerned, that would be the healthier course of action.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother of two teenagers. I've been seeing my boyfriend, "Sean," for almost five years, and when the pandemic started, he moved in with us. I am supposed to share custody of my teens with their father, alternating weeks. However, his job requires travel, and the kids are with me more often than not, with little to no notice. They are also reaching an age where they don't really want to go to their dad's all the time.

This has caused some tension with my boyfriend. He feels we never get "alone time" anymore. He then withholds affection from me, as if I've done something wrong by having my kids. Since he moved in, our sex life has dwindled to almost nonexistent. He refuses to be intimate when the kids are home, yet he hasn't made the most of the "alone time" we do have when the kids aren't here. He usually goes to bed early, without so much as a goodnight kiss. Or he'll go out on weekend days and not include me.

I have been cheated on in the past, and my insecurities are starting to rear their ugly heads. I don't know how to talk to him because he gets defensive and gaslights any issues I bring up. I don't feel safe sharing my hurt with him, let alone sharing my anger at him for trying to make me feel bad for being a mom. I'm losing hope and feel myself shutting down. How can I approach him in a way that he won't get defensive? -- FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE

DEAR FIGHTING: There are red flags all over your letter. You are going to be an active mother until your children are at least 18. That this man would move into your home and give you heartburn about your responsibilities is terrible. You state that your sex life is over, and when you raise other important issues, he gaslights you. This does not bode well for a healthy future.

His defensiveness when you attempt to have an adult discussion with him isn't your real problem. Getting him out of your home and your life before he wastes any more of your time is what you should focus on.

DEAR ABBY: What is proper etiquette when attending an event and sitting at a table with more than six people? I think it's rude to talk to a person across the table. Talking to a person next to you is acceptable. Talking to someone across the table is rude because the other diners must stop talking to the person seated next to them and be forced to listen to your conversation. Seeing this happen is becoming more and more annoying. What do you think? -- FORCED TO LISTEN

DEAR FORCED: While that rule of etiquette may have been true in Edwardian times, table etiquette today is no longer so rigid. While, of course, it is desirable to converse with the guests seated next to you, unless communicating with someone across the table requires one to shout -- which would be distracting and disruptive -- I see nothing rude about it.